while reading raw emotions.. a BOOK MOM has DOVE into:) I realized as I look back on each pregancy, what I carried and how those powerful feelings and THOUGHTS!! came right into each one of you!! for this I would like to extend a Ho'oponopono prayer
thank you
I love you
PLEASE forgive me
I am SORRY!! ( truly I am )

when you KNOW better, you do BETTER...

as you have read I have been DOING this year:) in the past I would have choose to say "trying" but dude.. not when I look back..
this year has not been pretty while shifting.. however.. I FEEL the SHIFTS!!! we ALL will be blessed for the healing.. for the truths.. I will forever sit in!!!

so jonah.. while I carried you.. I KEPT SO MUCH IN!!! I carried so many secrets. so many WORRIES.. of how will I pay my credit card off.. how will I keep the addiction alive.. how will I consume ALL and fill all my wordly desires..
of course their was joy.. however.. I will no deny or lie about these feelings that were at the for front of my mind:)

thank you ( for being my first.. for paving the way:)

I love you.. ( I HAD NO IDEA what love was till i gave birth!!! for this I am very grateful!!! that I was IMMEDIATELY washed over with this feeling!!!! it got STRONGER by the SEcOND.. NOTHING and NOBDOY matter to me.. besides YOU!!! of course.. balance is nice.. but I EVEN remember dad asking me a week after you were born.. IF you had to choose jonah or me, who would it be..
we were literally in the taco bell drive thru.. in belleuve washington... :) JONAH please tell me at this point in your life YOU know the QUICK reply that followed:) just in case.. I said JONAH..
please forgive me ( so that you can heal for yourself:)
I am sorry ( I will so you how)

tad .. MY TAD!!!! I was a bit better the second go around, well not much I still lived in high stress.. HIGH PERFECTION and DIDNT KNOW how I could love this deeply again!!! I stressed as ALL I EVER heard.. was the second child is HARD!!!
as parents talk, give advice and share war stories..
so I remember carrying this with you.. but at the SAME time.. having this confindance.. of I HAVE THIS DOWN!!!!!!!!
as jonah and you are very close in age.. and I specifically tried to have to straight away.. as the MONTH I was ready to go round to I was blessed with you!!! so I FULL on.. was LIKE.. I HAVE THIS!! I LOVE THIS!!! I WILL SO DO THIS...
isnt it funny that you so HAVE THIS TRAIT!!!!
you speak it.. you own it.. you are blessed with deeply inside.. having a taste.. of KNOWING you have a LIGHT inside of you.. that is YOURS!!!!!!!

thank you( thank you for coming!!!!! for being so willing to come to US!! to me.. and over and over again.. SHOWING ME where I SO need to grow:)
I LOVE YOU.. ( I actually ADORE YOU.. apperication!!! you are TRULY TENNNNNDDDDER!!!!!!!!!!)
please forgive me.. ( I actually believe you have alot of forgiviness in you to extend.. thank you!!)
I am sorry ( I will be emotionally avaiable to listen, accept your truths, feelings and expressions:)


TRULY!!! while carrying you.. I remember being so busy with the boys.. jonah was especially nutring to US.. he would get me covers while I took a nap with him watching TV.. feelings of gratitude seem to wash over me..
however.. I FOUGHT with spencer ALOT.. and was SUPER INTENSE!! yes believe me.. what you have and are experiencing at this point in your life is a TONED DOWN version.. EEKKK is right!
who KNEW I WOULD LOVE A GIRL so much.. well duh,, he did.. I so wanted a boy.. as I thought three boy. DONE!!!
no more pregancies..
thank you for MELTING dads heart in an instant!!! for showing me a side of him I had never known extisted
I LOVE you.. ( everything about you.. you literally have taught me when to breathe.. you are so danty with such a PUNCH!!!) you take NO prisoners.. softly asking me to be kind!!!
ALWAYS forgiving me.. saying I forgive you.. I KNOW we are best friends forEVER!!!!
the other day.. allen told you he loved you.. and YOU SAID!! I LOVE MYSELF!!! so awesome!!!! what more could I want for YOU!!
please forgive me.. PLEASE.. PLEASE..