"if I was a dad and didn't have anyone to marry I would pick you"

jonah your little way of telling me tonight that you love me!!!
you are in a good place... I am so enjoying this moment

meeting sadie.. playing dress up with rachael.. sliding right back to a place we love!!!

I was planning on leaving this on till winter:) but rain followed us home from japan!! do we mind, no so much as we have a SWEET car:)

ABBY!!!! BROOKE!!!!!!
didn't even have to utter a word!! I LOVED seeing this as her mom, well i LOVE her!!!!

anything they were doing.. YOU were allowed to tag along.. letting go........... a bit hard.. but you BEAMING of being a girl!!!

seriously just LOVING on you... your are like their little doll!!!
has there ever been so much space??
I wish I could have held on to this feeling LONGER of complete gratitude??
health
happiness
abundance of families trying to return to him

so the DAY after we get home is JULY 24th.. !!
I remember when Kristin was in japan with me.. I said to her.. my kids are going to JUST die.. as fireworks and the whole party that comes with july 24th!! as there is always some kind of sweet swim party..
OR maybe I said.. dude.. HAVE me a party..
well of course.. my kristin.. was ON IT!! thinking back on it now.. I can NOT help but feel guilty of HOW MUCH I basically leaned on her!!!!
I just could not help myself!! its OCTOBER!!! all of this should have been journaled LONG before.. but I have called her up since and lamented to her my concerns of a sweet little someone:) and asking her to HELP ME!!
lost with all the paper work of 1st grade.. she NEVER acts put out!! she ALWAYS takes the time to help me!! support US!!
even when I was lost of what books you should be reading at your level.. not hours later.. where a bag of books on our doorstep!!

SO looking over these.. I just remember it being RIGHT where I wanted to be.. the place I had MISSED!!! as even when you boys were younger.. I was pregnant with my truly... it would be that dusk hour.. AT out of town.. Sean working late.. scott would come over or Rach would tell us they were jumping in the pool..
just low key.. feeling ALWAYS a feeling of goodness..
I LOVE being around her.. as she is GOOD with who she is.. so honest..so pure.. and DOESNT even know it!!!
you can ASK her anything.. and HEAVENS KNOWS you both do.. ( jonah and tad)
she so follows it to the end!!!! which is sometimes what both you crave.. takes us down the road of all possibilities!!!

SO back to the next day.. I STILL can feel smell and remember this day.. it was so INTENSE... is that the word??? maybe vibrant??
I just saw every little thing.. I felt so much love.. not even so much at us or for us.. but FOR THEM!!!!!!
kim... my LP.. as I have come to love anyone connected to these collins.. as remember the year we seriously could have gone to EVERY LP summer trip!!! I had NO shame.. truly you were just about a year!! I was like THIS IS MY SUMMER.. so even when AT was gone for two of the trips.. I took you boys alone!!!
OLSENS!!! bringing his big o'l case of monavie!!! which two things.. OLSENS and monavie that have started and made this ALL possible.. renewed eyes.. of BE MORE.. BE GRATEFUL!!!

is mom a routine girl..
YES
does mom function so good if things are not in order
NO
does mom like to play a little game called.. TIME!!! I am unpacked lickedy spilt and ready to fall back into our routine ASAP
YES

I just remember being relaxed( yes jaime relaxed) and soaking it all in.. did things need to be perfect.. just yet..
NO

everything, there was just SO much of everything.. that I tried to move ever so slow.. take the time to breathe.. as THIS is our life.. we had been away for time that coming home.. I could ONLY see and feel good. support.. knowing FULL well.. it takes a village.. it SO TAKES A VILLAGE!!!

dinner was brought over.. I didn't even fight it.. or feel like.. PLEASE NO don't!!! please.. don't think of me.. I swear we can function.. instead.. I was like BRING it!!! as they made my FAVORITE~~ grilled salmon with jilles, dill cucumber dip!!! I promise.. ate half the fish.. the SECOND the walked out the door!!!!

even my besties.. held back.. laid low.. there was a pack!!! even in THAT I felt the support... knowing full well WHO I NEEDED to see.. WHO had carried me mentally in ways.. I didn't even KNOW.. or SEE coming!!
a sweet dear lizzie basket!!

jenkies.. running by!! i SWORE.. I would continue to picture it up...capture everything of gratefulness.. why the distractions??
I actually know.. but I am too ashamed to say:(
let me get back to this place.. or pure gratefulness.. no matter what.. we as a family.. have the opportunity to see good in ALL around us..
insert!!!
let me be more like my tad!! positive!!!
gratitude!! I should be not only thinking of 5 things a day.. but 5 things per second!!! for all the LOVE!!!!!
I take it SO personal with your children and your ingratitude at times..
HELLO... example please..
let it start with me!!! ME!!!!! I recommit to be MORE!!!

I can NOT help but see this picture.. I am leaning so into jill.. I can SEE and remember my happiness.. my overwhelmed self.. of this is IT!! moms... MOMS to help and guide me along.. to tell me.. yes been there done that.. this is what I learned.. heres how I can help.. friends for my kids to play with.. learn from.. even going into their homes.. and being taught a SWEETER way of FHE.. scripture study..
if you children leave THIS house without a testimony of this gospel.. that is SO on YOU!!!

I cant help but just be flooded all over again.. with the SUPPORT of being able to slide right back in.. ED even signed you ( tad up for soccer) I mean FOR real.. how else would that team take everyone to school with out your skills??

rachael.. RACHAEL.. I see this and can still here your squeal of excitement!!!!

"i have a SWEET life my tooth is loose"

you and jonah could NOT be any different...
make me LAUGH and really appreciate YOU!!!
as ever since jonah had a loose tooth.. you have been basically YANKING yours out!!! even when jonah was hanging by a thread.. he WIGGED when I tried to help it along!!! ( mostly cause the taste of blood)
but YOU!! you literally come to me and say "yank on it SUPER HARD!!!! well tonight while snuggling, tucking you in.. I pushed it back..
well that really made it MORE wiggly.. you would have thought it was Christmas!!! biggest smile!!!
"I am going to get MONEY!!!"
tad..
we went and did test today with dr fontaine!! I KNEW what your results would be!!!
off the charts of pure happiness!!!
you GIVE me a run for my saneness!! really just sometimes.. MOST times.. you just do not let up.. your mind is constantly thinking.. turning.. questions.. interest.. UUUUMMMMHHHHHH I wonder where you get it???
but for a person that has her own hard time settling .. it can be trying, as I am trying to wrap my brain around it all myself..
I just can not get enough of you and your positive out look and attitude of " you can NOT get me down.. or change my mind that this ROCKS!!!!!! i have a lifetime to learn from you!!!!

mom I have to tell you a secret....
you a princess softly whispered into my ear!!!
truly!!

tad tonight while getting to watch a cartoon..which I have not allowed so much TV lately.. been super focused on getting in the MUCH needed reading, scriptures and prayers in..
you tell yourself out loud "no complaining tad" as it wasn't a show you wanted to watch so much:)

you do this SO much.. talk out loud to yourself.. tell your self to get it together.. I really try to breathe myself.. as I KNOW this is you trying... to breathe yourself.. even though I KNOW you would like to DROP kick me.. or run around pulling your hair out!!! I get it.. i REALLY do!!

drive up to our house to see a sweet to the sweetness sign up!!!
kim L out to say welcome home.. I see sammathas bracelets.. to say.. how come I am seeing these on all the girls here?? as I noticed at the airport.. conley girls had them up to their elbows.. then sweet kim is like I have a pack for truly.. SERIOUSLY right away again.. i remember the thoughtfulness the support that is EVERYWHERE outside my front door.. LITERALLY.... she will give you the shirt of her back.. sammatha is back in a flash to gear you all up..
OH MY WORD.. truly.. the days following..I don't even think princess at disneyland could touch how you were just scooped up and LOVED on like crazy..
all day long collins had our back.. took the boys swimming while I was inside.. rachael played whatEVER you wanted to play all day.. if that meant smearing red lipstick all over.. and actually putting it on for her.. THEN that is what she did..

then what followed next was as I look out my window to check out the yard.. I see my swing set.. something is off.. then it dawns on me.. its not white any more.. I look at my mom .. she proceeds to tell me all that went on..
kristin had come to her.. letting her know. I will be in the back yard.. REFINISHING their swing set.. RIGHT here.. this makes me gasp a bit.. as being the daughter of a susan.. aka woodworker of the century.. RIGHT OFF KNOW what this entails!!!
I immediately ask my mom if she gave kristin the HEADS UP.. of " are you sure you can chew that off" but no such discussion went down..
well kristin thought it would be a day.. or I think even an afternoon project.. but NO SUCH luck.. it turn into a HUGE undertaking..
while kristin called for back up ( never mind all the trips to home depot.. long researching talking to the home depot guys of what finish to use.. as she really did it perfect.. I will NEVER have to sand it down again.. all I have to do now. IS really an afternoon.. of slap another coat of finish on.. ) .. rallying up some friends to come help sand the sucker down.. ( like a babies bum mind you) SHE was the one out there day in and day out for HOURS!!!!!!!!!
my mom did the roof.. she got invited to the party.. then busted out all her skills and gear.. going all out with ear plugs.. eyeglasses.. I sorta wonder at this point.. if the thought crossed sweet kristins mind.. "hey where was the heads up that this was so going to be WHOA to the WEE WHOA of a project:)
also my mom told me how annika 9 year old annika was out there for 5 hours!!!

at first.. I could not help but feel so indebted to her.. I felt very emotion that she would do such a thing.. I just do not know if I have ever had a better gift!!!
she explained that while in japan.. when I was showing her..and even how she saw for her self.. the country thinks as a whole.. they think in terms of US.. not me or I.. but how will this be good for the "whole" or how will this affect the "US"
she knew how much we missed our backyard.. how much time we would spend out there.. how much other kids loved to play in our backyard.. and she took it apon herself to make the culdesac better.. ( as if she already doesn't by just being breezy, easy)
that made it even more special.. that she had literally came to a country to visit me and it three short days.. with her big heart.. quickly caught what was so neat about japan.. and came straight home to implement it.. ( this will FOREVER make it even MORE special.. a piece is right here along with us..)
it been a few months now that we have been home.. I still light up and feel grateful very time I walk passed my window to catch a look..

we step off the plane come thru customs to see this.. how very nice.. more than anything my kristin.. that was so supportive.. this day.. was so sweet.. as they walked me to my car.. JILL.. JILL.. I HAVE MISSED YOUR FUNNYS!!!!!! telling me.. we don't care what you say.. we are showing up with dinner at 530!! and thanks to jill she grabbed a suit case.. we had decided to leave.. never mind we had hauled it all the way from japan..
also .. tad had just helped himself to tagging along with kristin.. with all that what going on.. jonah hadn't seen them slip away.. I hurried and ran to you..knowing you would SO WANT to ride with them!! when I asked you.. " hey they are getting in the collins car. do you want to ride home with them?? I still remember that head shake.... then you bolted across the street.. we ALL were delirious .. as it was a blessing you didn't get hit by a car!!
so much excitement.. so much catching up to do!!!!

kristin later told me.. that while going thru the drive thru at wendys.. you were like YES they can understand everything we say!!!!!

funny how little by little being home.. japan slipped away very fast.. as I remember going to good earth.. to turn to ask for help.. as what was what.. to all the sudden go DUH!! i can READ!!!! that was awesome:)

just sitting down.. AT dude.. make me laugh ONCE again.. as again this is us JUST sitting down part. the real fun hasn't even begun:)

which what I remember most about this plane ride.. it what a difference 9 months makes.. NIGHT and DAY..
as my sweet AT.. trues, jonah and tad.. OUT.. but ozzy struggling.. not having it.. not being able to settle..

I am at one end.. AT at the other.. I am just holding ozzy while he is crying.. I am about to cry as.. there is nothing more I can do for you.. I am SO exhausted..
then I feel a tap on my shoulder.. AT has walked all the way around the back to come and give you a whirl..

is this the same AT that rode over with me nov 9 2009.. uuuuuummmmmmmhhhhhh you look like the same guy??
aren't you the one that LITERALLY almost went postal traveling with us?? on this flight you take so many times a year by yourself.. .. we even have sweet miles we use for all sorts of fun??? but this time you have your kids in tow.. and you just about lost it,, as if it was a surprise to you. that I can not do 4 kids all by my lonesome on a 10 hour flight.. YOU.. YOU MY AT thought you would sail thru it with your mom and sister traveling with us.. when you turned to them in the hour you needed them so bad.. to have your mom have taken a sweet sleeping pill.. OUT!!
WHAT?? you really had to check in.. I still remember that.. literally laughing just a bit.. as I was a human pacifier for our ozzy.. and did all my tricks for the boys.. but simply could not do the truly right then.. as ozzy had finally just fell asleep in my arms.. so you had to take on the truly.. .. that was saying.. WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS?? you want ME... QUEEN tah tah.. to sit still.. YOU MUST be out to lunch!!!!!!!!

so if you got all that.. you can imagine.. my sheer tender gratefulness for this moment that happened july 23 2010 when.. an AT has taken us over to his sweet to japan.. to carrying us and guide us thru it all.. was it for work.. in part yes.. but the TRUE reason.. was to show US what we are made of.. what we are capable of doing.. WHO KNEW all you could do?? who knew.. I would be shown.. "you think you are doing this alone.. " YOU MUST BE OUT TO LUNCH!!!
but most simply.. what is most important to us.. and really what it is about.. our eternal family... glue..
what made it easier to see.. is less distractions..

I remember being home the first week.. and even though we are all under the same roof.. I missed you all so much.. I felt so distant.. even though i was literally looking right at you.. I missed you??
being in a country where we really didn't understand the language.. it created this very small tight world for us.. would it be good for long term?? not so much.. was it always easy.. NO.. will I ever forget it... as your mother and your wife..
not any time soon..

so we make it.. walk thru customs to be stopped and asked to step into the office.. while they go over WHO KNOWS WHAT.. I sit there.. like so many times.. I HAVE not a clue as to what is going on.. AT mumbles.. then after we head out.. he says.. they were just taking away your green card.. ( we all could have stayed in japan for 3 years on the my mom is japanese visa.. but since we left the country and AT didn't want to pay an extra 60 buck for each of us.. ) so funny that I kept asking him.. DUDE what if they say.. you cant leave?? what would we do?? he lets us play this whole "what if thing" out.. I start to really think?? dude.. WHAT is really going ON?????? I tease the boys a bit .. to see if they will FREAK??
no worries.. just taking away our visa.. we are NO longer allowed to be here more than 90 days:)
why did I care?? but it really meant.. he has no plans for us to hit japan again.. WHIMP.. so it required EVERYTHING of you.. SO it was SO much more work for you than you could have dreamed of????? I still have this feeling we are not done with our sweet japan.. next time around. we will KNOW
CAR!!!!! no questions

us running from customs.. you ALL were going ape!! I didn't even try to rein you in.. didn't even have it in me. to slap you with any rules..

45 minutes into the drive to the airport you ALL are KO (except my trues.. your like your mom.. why sleep at a time like this!! we's on an adventure:) too much to SEE).. very understandable its been a long morning.. counting down while AT and mom doing final weigh ins for are luggage.. it just seems NO matter how much I prepare.. those final moments before we hit it.. are intense.. you all were SO awesome.. what it must be like for a kid:)


most of all jonah in the car.. I keep a watchful eye on you.. as with each step closer to home.. I see a fire.. light start to shine bright.. I see you starring out the window.. I can only imagine all the thoughts flowing thru your mind.. I remember feeling and thinking all would be well when we got back home.. when we got to literally fall into the arms of loved ones.. when we got to do and be what was so familiar to us...
yes very much wishful thinking.. my head knew better, but I let my hearts desires bank on that:)

as we are loading up.. takumi comes out to say goodbye.. I feel bad.. but have no way of saying.. dude.. this might take a while.. you sure you want to pit it up out here??? HOLY CRAP we are all sweating.. and TRUE to FROM my sweet japanese customer service the driver is decked out in a suit WITH THE JACKET and hat on... I could have died for him:)

as I load you all up.. you play paper, rock, scissors till we drive away.. they stay the WHOLE time.. even if we could talk.. what i have felt.. is LITTLE is said.. but HUGE gestures are made.. oh my sweet japan.. i absolutely love and miss you..

do we want to go back.. not so much.. but really treasured this time!!! I still even remember crying and the phone to my mom.. when it was TOUGH.. the rules were breaking me.. the CONSTANT reminder of I was DOING IT ALL wrong.. and calmly and wisely..her reminding me.. YOU WILL miss your japan.. I miss it.. the second I step off the plane..
I remember talking to tutu.. when we all were lamenting about the pros/cons of japan.. me trying to understand.. at what point did you want to be in the US and not so much your home land??
dying to know.. how long would it take for this Japan to be our home.. our comfy home???