yesterday was an emotional day I was pulling thru... as spencer was moving out.. with each passing moment that creeps toward him actually leaving I was realizing HOW much he would be missed..
YET so excited for him.. a new chapter of constant guy fun.. as the guys he is moving in with are SAFE, TENDER and KIND..
they KNOW him!!

lisa wanted truly once again to spend the night.. I had the feeling the night before of relief that lisa cancelled..
but was living in the moment and went on to the next thing..
when saturday rolled around, I was occupied helping spencer.. thinking about temple night.. which I was even confused on this.. it was stake adult session not.. go to the temple as a stake!!
so I was just not focusing all around.. lisa wanted to meet up.. and the main reason I get clouded.. is WE all LOVE lisa so much.. we accept the way she is.. I can honestly feel her heart.. I KNOW her intentions.. how she really does her best..and knows of no other way of how to deal with pain besides using alcohol..
yet whos is responsible for my sweet innocent children??
do I send my kids off with lisa who may decide to drink.. I could go down the list of things she might do..

so here is how it went..I dropped you off at the mall with lisa.. the whole ride home..the feeling got worse..until I got home.. I thought what I am thinking?? I can NOT leave my kids with lisa EVER.. she is simply an alcoholic.. FULL on ...

so I start texting her.. wont answer.. start calling her.. wont answer...
I start to wig out.. spencer is home.. I tell him.. please help me load up the boys..I need to go back to get truly before she leaves the mall.

I run get ozzy out of bed.. he is cranky.. jonah, tad and luke.. asking questions.. of why.. hungry..
I warm up the pizza in the bags.. throw everyone a piece.. all the while.. starting to cry.. cause THESE moment.. so many of THESE moments.. where spencer has been here to help me.. I sobbing asking spencer what am I going to do?????
he grabs my arm telling me.. breathe your okay!!!!!!

I start to drive away.. finally get ahold of lisa.. telling her my boys have to see her..
I go into the mall she is at the food court. .some how she just KNOWS.. as I hug her.. its simple.. she says.. i can tell you need her tonight.. spencer leaving is a big deal..
the subject doenst even need to be discussed.. she fully has to SUPPORT me.. as pulling truly away from lisa.. is what i thought would be painful on top of having to really tell lisa.. I have to follow this feeling!!!!

truly with a simple drink and sprinkle cookie.. you dont say another word about it.. plus I think having LUKE here and his spencer like spirit HELPS!!!!! in fact I KNOW IT DID...

so then i am able to bust out calling back zoie to tell in I in fact can make stake conference..

I hug her when she walks in.. as I literally have to RUN out the door..kristin guarded me a spot.. made me feel so loved..
it was all on missionary work.. picking a date to serve as a couple.. MY DREAM!!! i mean allen teasing me this whole year..
turn in your papers.. see what they say.. but really .. can we NOT as a family go serve a full time mission..
is this what the Lord is preparing me for?? who knows.. but faith..
me keep practicing faith...

so i come home.. begin baths.. jonah, ozzy and I slip into the bath as the whole time during the rush.. I told.. jonah.. he was old enough to KNOW the truth.. and in private I would tell him..
so in this moment.. I begin to explain to you why we can you kids can not spend the night there.. its not a good idea..
you jonah.. FEEL like mom.. you feel peoples hearts. their deepest feelings as IF it has happened to you..
so you say.. you feel sick.. I tell you its okay.. then you proceed to tell me that you have something you want to tell me about a friends dad at school.. yet you dont want to tell me.. but you always DO end up telling me..
but the dad smokes the pipe..

no biggie.. I launched into this whole thing.. of who does the Lord love more or less??? its doesnt matter, it truly doesnt..we are all sinners.. we all need the atonement..
and what is our job jonah?? what is OUR job...
you say LOVE to LOVE..
I started to cry as THIS MOMENT.. I couldnt believe YOU KNEW the answer.. and it was authentic... I told you..I had never been more proud.. that all is right in the world.. YOU WILL BE OKAY.. will all your little things.. that send me in dad into a panic.....

as back when I was explaining..I went on and on about mrs jacobs.. how she is over weight.. how she destroys her body..
do you think she wants to be like that??
do you think she wants to over eat??
dont you think she wishes food didnt have that power over her??
yet sweet mrs jacobs doesnt know how to deal with her pain in any other way:)
YOU GOT it.. as whatever takes you away from the Lord is simply that.. your peace.. your knowing your greatness..the blinders being put over your eyes..
JONAH.. I am SINGING your name.. as this whole day.. this whole week.. brought me to THIS moment .. where we both knew.. for this moment the truth..
you even saw me crying and were smiling saying.. your going to make me cry..
you opened up .. telling me what you needed from me..
mom you know when you are reading or on your computer saying you need to be alone.. well those times I need you...
sometimes I hurt myself.. so you will come to me.. OH MY GOSH.. what is also interesting about this.. is later that night I tried to touch this subject again..and you blocked it.. you laughed and said you didnt know what I was talking about...

oh my cuteness.. but YOU let me in..you told me.. I will act accordingly.. being more and more present.. relying on the Lord as I once again clear myself..

I MUST practice being the calm in the storm.. to not get sucked into the vortex..
practice
practice