I love everything about this... I love that we love to be together.. WHEN will this end?? I love that your bro can REALLY push you high.. I love that he thinks to help you.. I love that you think to ask HIM.. he WONT let you down.. MY HEART.. my heart... it hurts to love this much..

I love this sculpture.. I SO wish we had these all thru out our back yard.. THESE ones.. right next to our soon to be zen garden.. oh yes. going to see how that rolls.. if I can keep ALL kids out of my zen.. that I will try and pack in our suitcases..
you were just telling him a little something about yourself.
I mean really I am SURE this panda wanted to give you a piggy back..

why is it so fun... to stop.. TRY TO HOLD on.. while another.. continues to slide down.. its the challenge.. of am I strong enough..
oh tad you are MORE than strong enough!!!

so funny... you come over to me.. to say.. this is boring.. there is nothing to do..
are you FREAKING kidding me?? there are like 50 trees to climb are you BLIND.. you quickly get a smile on your face.. as to think OH YEAH.. I completely forgot.. then climb one straight away.. you just need to be shown.. the trickiness. as they had you stumped.. once I showed you the light bulb went off.. and you were on your way..

all on your own.. while i sit back... rocking ozzy.. I catch these moments.. these perfect moments. where you all find such value.. comfort in one each other.. taking care.. looking out.. having the best kind of fun. i know of.. blood. related.. nothing quite like it..

i can NOT help but notice all the green.. THE BEAUTIFUL.. lush green.. but DUDE it SO comes at a price!!!

turners kids coming up in the park.. scoping it out..

i love this face.. you do this all the time.. you come running to me just LIKE this and say I have a surprise for you..
its a flower..and you like me to put it in my hair.. i didn't even know i caught it.. but this is the face I see often

seriously could I even dare to dream to get a tree like this in my yard.. ALTHOUGH.. I think it would entail it needing as much rain as japan gives it.. WELL NO TO THE THANK YOU.. miss japan..

oh trues.. I see this and think.. why do we fight?? WHY...why .. WHY?? as tonight you wanted chips and cheese.. I had to say
no... you already had that for lunch.. you stomped.. told me " I am MAD.."

chiharu tells me she hears some other people yelling snake.. SWEET we go see.. be careful.. she says she doesn't THINK its poisons..

ozzy you have crossed over.. over to the EXPLORE.. you want to see ALL for yourself this awesome world.. I knew you were digging in the dirt.. of course I try to not have you pound it.. but was funny as right before i lean over to get you ( as I was attending to truly, unloading your bentos.. trying to hurry and get your food out).. chiharu.. is almost like 'ozzy's eating dirt ( in her singing voice) ....... yes,yes.. mother of two.. yes, yes.. he is isn't he:)


her is a little something I was lamenting to my jinxy

. is it the fourth child that has lead me to not care about boogers AS MUCH.. combed hair AS MUCH.. holes in jeans AS MUCH.. COMPLETELY not matching.. no lotion all over face CONSTANTLY.... NEVER skipping perfume being sprayed .. ( yes I do this with my kids) seriously SO many things.. a mom yesterday was like ozzy is eating dirt.. I almost wanted to scream at her.. NO shit.. I have eyes.. DIRT has protein in it?? and I stopped caring so much about all that LITTLENESS with truly .. YOU with your 2 kids.. you have no idea... this is ME trying.. this is me at the top of my game.. NO matter HOW bad a mom YOU THINK.. I am.. my kids.. KNOW I love them.. and REALLY what else counts...

maybe I took it a bit too far.. but it seems she is always on me.. with a little singing voice.. OF maybe you need to attend to this or that.. DUDE.. you kids. FOR sure.. know I am giving my all.. you boys let me KNOW you get it.. SURE.. I make mistakes.. SURE I let you down.. but in your hearts.. you KNOW.. YOU KNOW.. I am checked in.. TRYING e for effort is something.. SOMETHING I tell you!!!!!!!!!!

then again in her defense.. I COULD actually be defensive cause I KNOW there are so many things I miss. so many wipes.. cuddles, scooping you up.. holding you.. helping you.. making you do for your own........ simply cause I am only ONE.. just a ONE.....
maybe theres the truth.. I just wish I could be more.. MORE.. bigger and better..
as lets me real. DO I want dirt in your sweet perfect mouth!!!!!! ah that would be a negatory..

i understand why so many drink beers to relax here.. I GET IT!!! they pound beers to relax take the edge off.. while I pound an EMV to gear up for the second round of the day. to each their own.. WHATEVER works to keep it all chugging along.. with HAPPINESS..

I see a change.. you look SO big to me.. maybe its he foot leaving the air.. you are RUNNING..

all the sakura is on the ground.. so fun to play with them.. nice smell and SOFT!!!

walking to find a place to eat our bentos.

I see the forecast.. SUN.. SUN.. SSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN i email chiharu.. to SAY tell me a park.. we's got's to hit it..
she decides to show me rather then tell me.. SWEET.. we learn the bus..
SWEET park.. SO much TO SEE.. she tell me that ALOT of money goes into the park.. its one of the nicest parks.. due to the horses.. which WAS fun to see them come out to practice for the horse show coming up.. HOPE we can hit it.. IT will be fun.. but the coward... WHOA the coward for golden week.. it might be nuts..
SO for today.. we will enjoy the breeze.. togetherness.. and ease of being able to walk and run.. swing.... slide.......

trues you ever so carefully keeping your eyes on those horses.. you DO not want them getting you..

I keep seeing the scenic I saw today.. a sight a mother DOES not want to see!!!
its been open week for parents to come watch their kids.. sit back and just watch.. well we go in.. to OF COURSE get loaded with so much info ( of this is due, you owe this for music.. we need you to fill out this, pick out the pictures you want to buy, pee in this tube so we can test it.. ) all things we miss.. cause AT works late or is out of town.. and you are stuck with yours truly:) non speaking japanese mom:)
ANYWAYS.. I come and talk with you.. YOUR the only one who's mom still makes you bento.. as you don't like the school lunch.. with AMERICAN taste buds..and a mom that sucks at cooking.. I understand why you JUST cant branch out:) no matter.. but AT is telling me from afar to make you at least drink some milk..
I am more concerned with what you are telling me.. this is the third time you are telling me that some 2nd graders are calling you stinky!!!
at first I HONESTLY thought.. I bet their are some kids TRYING to speak english and only know weird words!!! duh its HOW I get by.. weird phrases, inapporiate words..
but as you are sitting there eating lunch.. seeming distracted by this telling event.. I launch into.. IT DOESNT matter what others say!!! even if they say you are stinky..
DUDE I lotion your face up.. I wash your clothes EVERY NIGHT.. i don't just dust them off and think.. "oh they are good for one more round"
I even spray expensive perfume on you.. the SAME I use for myself.. NO way you are stinky.. you still are just thinking..
so then I go into.. DUDE.. you are american in a japanese school.. you KNOW what guts that takes.. you are learning another language.. you THINK those numb nuts can go to america and be in american school??
TY would eat them for breakfast..
YOU are tough.. and dude just walk away.. it doesn't MATTER.. I love you.. I HEART you.. I would DIE for you..and if you want show me where and who they are.. ( so really we walk around.. I say SHOW me these punks.. I will kick their asses.. mean while, while holding your 8 month old brother.. ) also AT is telling me.. james you cant just walk around.. but I am on a mission.. WHAT the hell is going on??
so we casually walk over to the stair case.. you say UP there.. but we cant go up there.. plus i don't know which class is theirs..
so we return to lunch.. more so I want you to KNOW.. I am here.. I am listening.. I WILL do whatever you want me to do...
it kind of fades.. as you aren't being clear as to what you want me to do.. ( as I am thinking of the worst case AMERICAN scenario.. if in america.. the mom fights your battle.. the SECOND I am not there, they are just going to pound on you harder.. but this is so different.. we BOTH don't really know what the HELL is being said!!!!!!!!!
so we return.. turn our focus to ozzy... as I start having him give your classmates high 5's.. you told me.. they all wanted to see him.. LOVE this age.. where you kids think your peers seeing your younger sibling is COOL.. IT is.. ALWAYS IS
aaaaahhhhhh hope you are getting this.. or maybe you remember this day......
but recess is now the next event.. as AT and I finish up.. we casually again watch you play outside.. I saw you tugging with a boy that had a big ball.. but he got it.. so you just wandered off to climb some bars.. then walked over to the jungle gym.. by yourself.. normal jonah.. just thinking, being inside yourself.. I get distracted by a little classmate that keeps asking me.. I don't know what.. but I playfully tell him the words I know.. make all sorts of jaime expressions.. just interacting with him..
to see AN AT watching you now..
then I go over.. standing by AT... asking him where is jonah.. he is intently watching you.. I cant see you.. I am trying to find you..AT is half telling me.. he is right there.. right there.. see he just threw dirt.. right there.. then I FINALLY catch you.. my eyes ARE LOCKED right ON yOU.. the fetching scenic I SEE is MOTHER FETCHING THREE OLDER BOYS.. 6 graders !!!!!!
one is tugging your ear..another has your arm wrapped around your back.. the last just walking right be side you..
AT slide the glass door open( which DUDE I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT OPENED.. he goes running out there..
MIND you with NO shoes.. such a dumb thing.. but you get it.. you know what that means..
I come racing after.. to here an AT saying all sorts of things.. I KNOW I would be saying.. of course cuss words are left out in what I WOULD BE saying.. cause there are simply NO cuss words.. BUT AT is using the tone I would be using..
I can understand a few words dad is saying. teacher.. where.. who.. where.. teacher..
but this kid has a blank stare, while saying something back.. the other two boys are not talking.. but the one who had your arm around your back is the one talking back to dad.. out of complete frustration. I say.. WHERE THE HELL is his teacher.. FIND out who is teacher is..
I HAD to say something.. but we were right up in his space..
but jonah your teacher comes running out.. and the FIRST thing I NOTICED..is he is OF COURSE all japanese zen like..
he puts his arms gently around you.. as if PROTECTING you from it all.. like.. its OK.. "here be right here. while we discuss this.".
AT never lost his cool only mom.. dads tone was just authoritative!!
but I am of no use.. plus a YORIKO.. is calling me.. jonahs mom.. JONAHS MOM.. can I come over today.. I go over to address her.. love on her.. to calm me.. and TO MAKE SURE she knows.. NOT today.. FOR LITERALLY the 100th time this year:)
but I go back in..
I stand and wait..
you come in to change into your slippers.. I catch you as I was waiting.. I wanted you to know.. I was proud of you.. as you said you threw dirt.. I told you NO way will you be in trouble for that..NO WAY.. you are a first grader and 6 th graders.. dude you don't stand a chance..
so I am telling you.. don't worry.. dad is taking care of it..
AT comes back to say jonah you ok?? its okay.... you cant throw dirt.. I interject to SAY dude YOU CAN.. and YOU should.. AT with the BETTER.. more calm.. MORE appropriate.. MORE man to man.. its okay, go have a great rest of the day..
as ANOTHER thing I noticed.. is you really had little emotion. you weren't crying.. when the boys were doing that to you.. you just were zoning.. breaks my heart.. and DYING to hash this out.. TALK about it. try and FIGURE out.. what you are feeling.. what is in your head.. did this scare you?? what was going on???
as the little I was able to get out of you..was.. they kept calling me stinky so I threw dirt....
but its music time.. your class is already lined up for the next event.. your teacher quickly tells you to come to him..
so many things are being left unsaid.. as I wasn't knowing WHAT route to take.. I went from telling you.. I will kick their asses again.. to telling you I am SO proud that you threw dirt in their face.. stick up for yourself. to you then telling me.. my teacher is really strong. he has gotten really mad at me for not listening and squeezed my are really tight........
WHOOOOOAAAAA all this info getting thrown at a MOM.. I am dying.. feeling like SHIT.. where have I been.??
BUT HERES the silver lining.. my sweet, tender, perfect child..
one.... you come home happy almost daily
two .....you love going to school.. never saying I don't want to go.. you seem to really enjoy yourself..
three.. i see the kids.. the ones your age.. they ALL want to engage with you.. as you are different..
your teacher also telling this to AT.. saying you are popular.. and for the most part understand.. but sometimes you think they are making fun of you.. which I GET.. I even thought that classmate was mocking me.. thats why I just started making faces..
but really he was saying HOW much japanese do you understand.??? as a mom told me.. as I was asking AT.. who doesn't tell me much sometimes.. so another brave mom decided to use her HIDEN english:)
so as AT and I walk home.. my heart is still racing.. both of us.. talking only half way.. as still rethinking it all. so many things I am wanting to threaten.. ( like if this happens then jonah doesnt have to go to school) HOW DUMB to even think that..
what are we quitters?? mind you to let a nothing 6 grader decided OUR PATH!!!!!!! HELL TO THE NO.......
SO again talking with AT.. he quickly says.. jonah is part of it.. as even if its inside him.. he is attracting being picked on.. I don't know his exact words.. but light bulb turned on for me...
when you get home.. its NOT to relive it.. or give it more air time.. MY JOB.. is to HELP you see your worth.. YOUR GREAT PERFECT worth.. so you can taste THAT.. see that.. BE IN THAT.. to create ONLY LOVE and positive.. I WILL .. I WILL DIE TRYING to show you the taste of what I can PLAINLY see.. every second of every day..
I absolutely adore every inch of you.. happiness is what you bring to me...... pure HAPPINESS..

of course a picture says a thousand words.. I was so STRESSED which I have noticed some times.. to calm myself.. I think well might as well remember this with a picture..