while reading raw emotions.. a BOOK MOM has DOVE into:) I realized as I look back on each pregancy, what I carried and how those powerful feelings and THOUGHTS!! came right into each one of you!! for this I would like to extend a Ho'oponopono prayer
thank you
I love you
PLEASE forgive me
I am SORRY!! ( truly I am )

when you KNOW better, you do BETTER...

as you have read I have been DOING this year:) in the past I would have choose to say "trying" but dude.. not when I look back..
this year has not been pretty while shifting.. however.. I FEEL the SHIFTS!!! we ALL will be blessed for the healing.. for the truths.. I will forever sit in!!!

so jonah.. while I carried you.. I KEPT SO MUCH IN!!! I carried so many secrets. so many WORRIES.. of how will I pay my credit card off.. how will I keep the addiction alive.. how will I consume ALL and fill all my wordly desires..
of course their was joy.. however.. I will no deny or lie about these feelings that were at the for front of my mind:)

thank you ( for being my first.. for paving the way:)

I love you.. ( I HAD NO IDEA what love was till i gave birth!!! for this I am very grateful!!! that I was IMMEDIATELY washed over with this feeling!!!! it got STRONGER by the SEcOND.. NOTHING and NOBDOY matter to me.. besides YOU!!! of course.. balance is nice.. but I EVEN remember dad asking me a week after you were born.. IF you had to choose jonah or me, who would it be..
we were literally in the taco bell drive thru.. in belleuve washington... :) JONAH please tell me at this point in your life YOU know the QUICK reply that followed:) just in case.. I said JONAH..
please forgive me ( so that you can heal for yourself:)
I am sorry ( I will so you how)

tad .. MY TAD!!!! I was a bit better the second go around, well not much I still lived in high stress.. HIGH PERFECTION and DIDNT KNOW how I could love this deeply again!!! I stressed as ALL I EVER heard.. was the second child is HARD!!!
as parents talk, give advice and share war stories..
so I remember carrying this with you.. but at the SAME time.. having this confindance.. of I HAVE THIS DOWN!!!!!!!!
as jonah and you are very close in age.. and I specifically tried to have to straight away.. as the MONTH I was ready to go round to I was blessed with you!!! so I FULL on.. was LIKE.. I HAVE THIS!! I LOVE THIS!!! I WILL SO DO THIS...
isnt it funny that you so HAVE THIS TRAIT!!!!
you speak it.. you own it.. you are blessed with deeply inside.. having a taste.. of KNOWING you have a LIGHT inside of you.. that is YOURS!!!!!!!

thank you( thank you for coming!!!!! for being so willing to come to US!! to me.. and over and over again.. SHOWING ME where I SO need to grow:)
I LOVE YOU.. ( I actually ADORE YOU.. apperication!!! you are TRULY TENNNNNDDDDER!!!!!!!!!!)
please forgive me.. ( I actually believe you have alot of forgiviness in you to extend.. thank you!!)
I am sorry ( I will be emotionally avaiable to listen, accept your truths, feelings and expressions:)


TRULY!!! while carrying you.. I remember being so busy with the boys.. jonah was especially nutring to US.. he would get me covers while I took a nap with him watching TV.. feelings of gratitude seem to wash over me..
however.. I FOUGHT with spencer ALOT.. and was SUPER INTENSE!! yes believe me.. what you have and are experiencing at this point in your life is a TONED DOWN version.. EEKKK is right!
who KNEW I WOULD LOVE A GIRL so much.. well duh,, he did.. I so wanted a boy.. as I thought three boy. DONE!!!
no more pregancies..
thank you for MELTING dads heart in an instant!!! for showing me a side of him I had never known extisted
I LOVE you.. ( everything about you.. you literally have taught me when to breathe.. you are so danty with such a PUNCH!!!) you take NO prisoners.. softly asking me to be kind!!!
ALWAYS forgiving me.. saying I forgive you.. I KNOW we are best friends forEVER!!!!
the other day.. allen told you he loved you.. and YOU SAID!! I LOVE MYSELF!!! so awesome!!!! what more could I want for YOU!!
please forgive me.. PLEASE.. PLEASE..

being tad

you are SO cute!! you show me day in and day out how to just BE!!! "being" free...

I love that you THINK outside the box!! very tender.. you BELIEVE in life, love and FORGIVENESS.. you are so VERY tender.. you DO NOT like for people to experience pain.. ( let me tell you.. that will be a fun one to over come:) I will show you how.. ( wink wink)
YOU are a tease!!! its SUCH a sweet and sour thing.. while you inflict most pain.. tease.. pinch ( of course way under the radar)
you want to fix.. or give up when you see you have succeeded:) really you just want validation that we are HERE.. we are LIVING!!!!!
you have BONIC ears!! you were WAY across the yard yesterday and I asked jonah to give me a kiss.. you come running over like a cheetah... what about me.. heres my kiss..
tad!!!! thank you!!!!!!! for showing and teaching me at SUCH a tender piviot time in my life!!!!! may you feel my love and gratitude to you for the REST of your LIFE!!!!!!!!!

heres just a taste of YOU knowing fashion.. I am SORRY but I REALLY think you look awesome!!! you really KNOW how to dress... you always know how to bust out the while ninja shoes with the white top!!

JONAHS BAPTISM

I had no idea how AWE-SOME this day would be...
I am starting to feel.. that when you are REALLY on the right path.. the adversary can work ever so hard on you!!
letting doubt seap in!!! as all week long.. praying OVER AND OVER!! to still my soul.. still my mind..
but just getting stuck!! holding on to last week attendance to ward temple night!! which PAUSE FOR A MOMENT on my growing testimoney of the TEMPLE!!! I went two saturdays in a row.. which at this point.. thats just plain crazy for me... but fully going to get blessings, PROTECTION!!! which looking back now.. no way could I have been prepared for THIS day.. with out going to the temple!!! FEELING the Saviors love for ME!!! being able to see clearly how he KNOWS me!! KNOWS our NEEDS!!!

but your baptism.. YOUR EXAMPLE is just JOY!! JOY!!!
we went early to practice tad, truly and shay's musical number.. while trying to keep ozzy and my GRANDMOTHER satisfied was keeping me distracted:)
but as I stepped outside to let ozzy run around in the foyer I saw bishop collins pull up.. which I was SO EXCITED for you.. as you had told us during the week that he would not be able to attend and he was SO bummed he would be missing it!!! as he would be out of town. even in your little interview the week before with him.. I could feel the love YOU FELT from him! so when I saw him pull up.. I KNEW it would matter to you.. but then I saw kristin, rachael, steph and scott pile out.. right then it started to hit me.. this mattered!! I was overwhelmed at the love and support from them..

then as I stepped back into the chapel.. to see jen, carson and brooke.. then jill, macey!! tara and mitchell, nicole and blake!!
it truly takes a village.. all these people that touch our lives in such a way that we can feel HIS light!!! such a blessing to be able to feel that.. as its these times that truly carry us thru all the trials that remind ME SPECIFICALLY to hold on to the gospel with SUCH A FIRM grip!!!!!!!!!!

jonah.. JONAH your peace, your calmness, your sweet tender heart!!! sure you are human.. but so easily I can always tap into your true inner self, your spirit.. THAT IS YOUR GIFT!!!!!
this week you just glided thru it.. thru everything.. remembering to stop and hug, give gratitude.. to SHARE.. you even got this neat little fossil but quickly wrapped it up as an extra bonus prize for ty's birthday..
you have the BEST grandpa fit for you!!! grandpa turner.. you are SO in his heart!!! he can explain anything in just the perfect way that you understand it!!! then its as if you crave more truth!!!

when I actually saw you come up at of the water.. I was just in AWE!! I just kept thinking example!! EXAMPLE!!! so excited to have you in this home!! I can not help but ache each time I have to let you go just a little more.. while at the same time so over joyed that I get this in my home!!!!
it took dad and you a while to return to the chapel.. Allen told me later... he could NOT fight back the emotion..it took him that long to stop crying.. as he just felt PURE JOY!!!

I can only imagine what it was like.. to actually have the moment with you... to pull you up out of the water then to get to sneak back into the dressing room and have you all to myself:) I bet it was like when you were born!!! but MORE!!! just this fresh PERFECT "being" I SO HOGGED you all to myself when you were little:)
pretending you had to be fed.. then really just hiding in a corner with you.. gazing at your perfectness:)


SO the next day is fast sunday.. I am STILL a bit shocked at your willingness to be all up over the commandments...
as true be told.. I have truly fasted 3 times in my 33 years of living:) but again leading up to this day.. you asked about fasting... I tried my best to explain my short and newly born testimoney of it... however once again grandpa turner and FULLY explained it to you Thrusday night.. so even when I texted him Friday morning to be sure and run thru that with you.. his text back was..
"we had a talk about that right after family prayers" seriously JONAH the more and more I see your life unfold.. GREATNESS WILL BE EXPECTED from someone so BLESSED!!!
so Sunday.. I am all pumped to fast with you.. FULLY excited about blessings.. peace.. calm.....
so in the morning we opened with a prayer.. then a few minutes earlier you started to REALLY get SUPER nervous about the testimoney you knew the bishop would ask you to give after he introduced you to the the ward... ( THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE FOR BISHOP!!!!! FULLY EXPLAINING that he would be asking.. such your language of wanting prepareness:)
so I had you talk to grandpa.. but that was a bit frustrating cause the phone kept hanging up... then commotion was all over.. I was trying to help but but making you feel rushed.. that you broke down..
I immediately went into the closet with you.. and said.. " okay.. let so give this fasting a test.. this holy ghost a test!!!"
then I said a prayer that you would KNOW what to say... that peace would come over you when you went up to the stand"
as you kept asking what to say.. I kept telling you say what is in your heart!!! you said you didnt know what was in your heart!!!!!!

so after this .. I simply said.. I PROMISE... once you get up there.. peace will over come you..and you WILL KNOW what to say!!!!!

jonah.. YOU WERE AMAZING!!!! you spoke so clearly and slowly!!!! you expressed gratitude for your baptism and the holy ghost..
you even said you were grateful that we are all here on this earth together!!!!!
DUDE I am so GLAD I AM ON THIS EARTH WITH YOU IN MY HOME!!!!!!!!!!!

what an experience!!!! I will so be holding on to your light!!!
I just LOVE you so much!!!!

tad

truly, you and I are taking a bath.. truly looks at me all dancing like.. I tell her I love her..
you say.. " what about me" even though I tell you ALL the time.. like hold your hand while laying down in bed with you.. while you suck your thumb and fall asleep:)

so I forsure go right into "i love you"

I wish I had a picture of your face.. as you have such disapprovable.. then say..
" that doesnt sound very exciting.."

so of course I launch into all the reasons.. YOU SPECIFICALLY are unquie and awesome!!!

as just saying I love you was I suppose to boring:)

another testiment of jesus christ

today two of the primary teachers came up to me.. first off sister edwards.. who does 90% of the wards work.. just go after any calling!!! people THINK i am a little rough around the edges.. maybe I am, but really I am all LOVE more so than it might seem at first..

maybe I dont know the book of mormon.. or even have a scripture memorized.. oh wait!! "and jesus wept"

but sister edwards was being funny.. saying.. can all my kids come play at your house??

she said something.. I cant remember.. but knowing you I just assume your excitement and loving to sing!!

but I ran into sister smith.. OH the jen smith!! so KIND!!
but she said that brother nuffer held up the book of mormon and asked "what is this"

you raised your hand and said..

"its the book of mormon another testiment of jesus christ"

she said you make me look good..

maybe a while back I might have taken pride in it..
but NOPE!!! it is ALL YOURS TO HAVE!!

as seriously I just dont even remember havning ever said that.. I read scriptures to you at night.. every night is a goal:)


here is what I will say!!!

from the SECOND jonah was placed in my arms!!!
I KNEW and FELT the awesome resposiblity to do my family right!!
I attended all meetings!!! many times.. I so thought of it as an outing.. a fun time.. to catch some spirit.. have no calling.. and get dressed up:) dress you up!!!
snuggle and love on you for 3 hours straight.. never putting you down:)

I remember bishop curtis extending a challege to the ward to read the entire book of mormon..
he even had made us book marks to mark off the chapter at a time..

this was truly my first time reading the book of mormon all by myself.. a sweet age of 26!!

I remember that year well.. I remember some very specific blessing that came to us!!!

I even asked my mom when the blessings came.. "OH MY GOSH... thank goodness I was reading the book of mormon!!"
what would have happened if I didnt???

what would have happened?? would the same blessing have come??
who is to say, doesnt really matter..
the point is my testimoney grew stronger!!!

I always attended meetings with you all.. it always felt good.. and NEVER a time.. I thought sure wish I would have not gone!!!

this is enteresting to me.. as there have been plenty of other times.. I have done things.. that I have come home feeling low.. or some other negative feeling..
but NEVER church!!

I love the gospel!!!
I love I KNOW what the truth feels and sounds like!!

so truly.. at a very young age.. I feel you just feel it.. I think you might have slept on a book of mormon and thur osmosis it got it..
thats awesome.. as no matter what path you choose.. no matter what your choices are..
you have a strong foundation of what is truth!!
THAT is a BLESSED truly!!!

ME

today I went to power of moms its a thing started by the eyre girls..

they talked about all sorts of neat things.. ways to just be a better more intentional mom..

I sat in ALOT of simple yet VERY deep gradtitude!! of being a mother.. NOT just any mother.. but YOUR MOTHER!!!

I simply could not adore you more.. well acutally I could.. ( I could love myself more.. so I could even LOVE you more.. ) you see I have been on a path.. I didnt so much see coming.. but I have been seeking my truth.. totally willing to go to any length to find it.. then be it!!

I have done EFT.. for many, many months.. I would spend a precious 2 hours a week to focus on my beliefs!!
I listen to byron katie.. then even wisked away for a weekend to hear her.. I have nutured your dad and I's relationship.. left you all for a week to be in japan with him!!.. which I feel you should all know.. I literally married the love of my life.. I PRAY for the same for you all.. to truly marry your best friend, some one you simply could not live, better yet THRIVE!! with out!!

i went away for 9 days with my mom, mother, jourdan becky, britt and nat.. while dad and spencer.. smoothly, lovingly and surprisly AWESOMELY!! to themselves:) took care of you all..

you see for many many years.. I SO just gave you my all.. I found ways to nuture myself.. some ways of the world.. but as those ways became simply not enough!!! brought deep pain...I needed something solid to stand on.. for us all..

so I really went after it.. pain, pain and oh yeah pain..

I am so coming up out of it.. I feel him.. I KNOW HIM better.. I can surely look back grateful that he loved me enough.. that he trusted me enough to be strong!! and NEVER GIVE UP!!

I will always give you my best.. the best I know how to be.. I am constatnly very aware of my weakness.. learning what it means to surrender, to give it to the lord.. PROCESS!! again.. will be my best that I know how to be at that moment!!

I look back on the years of awesome ignorance.. I really thougth I could protect you all from pain.. I was so very blessed to have planned for you all.. when I was ready for another baby.. its as if I put in an order!!
" I will have another.. " even ozzy.. I am amazed at the power of mind.. I literally rubbed my belly.. and with full intention.. of having a mini allen.. there you were!! just that!!..
so I went along in life.. of an attitude THIS is how IT IS DONE CORRECTLY!!
as I protected you all.. I PROTECTED.. HORDIED the early months of your lives.. even didnt tell ANYONE I had ozzy.. as I learned with truly.. even when you say clearly.. "I want to be left ALONE!!" people still SHOWED UP!!
so I so snaked them with ozzy.. I came home from the hosptial before I let it out that he had been born!! no one was going to take away OUR TIME!!!!

those first 6.5 years were awesome.. of course there were times I lost it.. but I VIDILY remember focusing on you ALL!!
I NEVER OVER scheduled myself.. I really lived in your moments.. OUR moments.. KNOWING it would not last forever..
I found so much joy and fully took pride in feeding, dressing and having outings with you all!!
being prepared for any snack, drink or restroom need that might occur:)
although dad traveled, i found gradtitude in a husband that was so willing to work hard.. make a living doing what he felt was best for us all.. you see that was an US decsision.. no way allen could have been as awesome or successful with out US being awesome and good back home..
allen LOVES you VERY MUCH!! he has a drive to be successful because he wants EVERYTHING FOR US!!
he wants to be a good son, husband and dad!!! I want you children to feel how truly blessed you are one day.. however that is yours to find!!

when I heard the eyres girls talking.. I felt good.. as I didnt miss a beat.. I didnt miss a thing.. not much regret, reguarding the priviallge it is to be a mom.. again YOUR mom!!.. as I really played with you at the park.. would walk with you.. do chores with you.. there was not much I wanted to do with out you...
as I FULLY WANTED YOU all.. I was prideful in thinking.. " dude.. only HAVE what you can handle.. THEN DO IT!!

but my path back to Heavenly Father was perfectly planned specially tailored for ME:)
I simply can not proctect you from pain.. I actually have come to love my own.. as it has humbled me.. surely made me more compassionate.
My new gift and goal for you all, is to be able to handle the trials and pain in healthy apporiate way.. there is nothing I can say.. no book I can read to you.. tell you. you should this.. or should that..
nope that simply will not work
I can only truly be it!! love myself.. accept it all.. knowing its all from our father in heaven.. and he will surely never leave us!!

I gratefully thank each one of you for being my teachers!! I so thought it was my duty to teach you all LIFE!!
that has not been the case.. you perfect little teachers!!!

jonah.. you teach me to breathe.. be mindful of others.. their feelings.. and to be kind to myself in my thoughts!!
tad.. you constatnly remind me that everything matters.. say what you mean and MEAN what you say!!
when I am in a hurry and I try to move you aside.. you have MANY times asked me..
"mom dont push me.. just ask me nicely to move..
you have taught me forgiviness!! and HOW to love myself.. how just being IS ENOUGH!!!

truly oh my little sugar!!! sweetnees in all of life!!! you dance for me over and over again.. SURELY knowing I want to see it again.. you love LIFE in a very big way.. you find the most tinyness thing in a person and make it into the big, beautiful gift it is.. letting that person KNOW " oh how pretty or beatiful they are..
you LOVE LOVE LOVE.. even tonight when spencer was leaving to a dance.. you wished him a warm goodbye.. then came inside it wasnt enough you told him over and over again how much you loved him.. you teared up.. as you wanted to kiss him and hug him..
I hurried you and told you to catch him..
you did just that..
how do you think that made the spencer feel:)
its your gift!! its who you are!!

ozzy.. MY OZZY.. we just started out SO IN LOVE!!! as you came ready to play!!! you werent messing around!!! at 3 months you were in japan.. living all snuggled in my chest!!
I am so trying not to live in fear I will reuin you!!
you are STRONG WILLED!!! I remember just month ago.. I didnt quite catch what happened you were right under my feet.. I think a child took something or you saw something you wanted.. but you lost it hard and fast.. so much so that you were shaking.. I ALMOST LITERALLY ran you to IHC as it came fast and SO STRONG!!!!

dude.. take it down a notch!!!
i have really told the boys with truly.. dude.. when truly screams DO NOT GIVE HER WANT SHE WANTS!!!!!!!!!!!

with you.. they all hug and snuggle you when they have had a bad day.. I mean who doesnt want to snuggle in the nap of your neck when you feel low??? its just so soothing!!!

but I will do you right!!! cause I LOVE you that much!!!

I pray that I will be guided.. and not only guided but that I will be able to hear him clearly!!!

truly yesterday you were playing with your best play mate spence:)
tea party and all..

he was asking a question and you said
SILENCE!!!

you are so funny!!!

ever since I practiced the sponge curlers on you for the dance performance( WHICH I DID NOT KNOW!!! they are VERY serious about it being CURLED!!!!)

but every night you are wanting to sleep in the pink sponges.. such a girl..
as I told you, you look awesome..
no I am pretty..
girls are pretty
boys are awesome:)

tad you woke up two mornings ago crying, telling me you had the worst nightmare EVER!!!

the prophet wasn't the real prophet and every one was trying to kill the real one..
it was so detailed.. and so real to you..
you asked me what I would do if the prophet said I had to leave you.. I of course just answered.. I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE YOU.. no matter what..
but then said.. I promise he would never ask me to do that!!
then you busted out a question...

what is the resurrection!!!
oh my gosh what did they talk about on easter sunday?? that you had super ears.. of listening??

you are VERY VERY SHARP!!!!!!! may I NEVER EVER underestimate that !!!!!!hggg

I can NOT believe what control, what grown up skills you showed last night!!!!

after your baseball game, dinner baths..
I am trying to get you all headed off to bed.. of course there is the usual teasing.. not listening.. horsing around..
while mom is getting tired by the second:)

so tad you end up on time out right along with truly!! you both just SO naughty..
I tell you to put the sock away.. right after I told you to sit in time out..
with ozzy crying.. jonah wanting to finish his spelling test..
i see you NOT on time out.. and wig a little telling you NO WII tomorrow.. YOU CALMLY run right to time out.. then wait for all to settle a bit more.. you can WAIT.. YES TAD YOU WAITED!!!!! quite some time.. to softly say.. mom.. I was off time out cause I was putting my sock away..
I IMMEDIATELY stop.. look at you and get the HUGEST SMILE on my face.. I can NOT believe what you just did!!!
I WAS SOOOOO in the wrong!!! you were so treated unfairly.. but instead of you going OFF into crazy.. when I took your WII away.. you held it together, and waited till you knew I was ready to listen!!
what an example!!! I have replayed that 20 times in my head!!
was such a little piece of heaven!!

jonah.. you sat and waited also for every word calmly..

I am amazed every time.. when dad leaves how we all pull together to make up for the hole he leaves when he is not here!!
although it can be trying at times..
its a neat little blessing in a different way, to see what we are made of!!!
love you all very much!!! I love how we all snuggle ozzy to feel better!!!
I love how when I was walking with truly today.. I hold your hand to cross the street and you kiss my hand:)
I love how you SCREAM when you are playing with mitchell, jonah, tad and keaton!!
you will NOT be miss treated!! and if you catch wind that they are going to do you wrong or not be fair to such a tiny 3 year old!!
you have the lungs to say "NO this will NOT be going down like this!!"
ozzy!!!!!! I have to pause to tell you MAN.. you might top all the kids with your temper!!!!
you scared me so bad a week ago with how mad you got.. you didn't get your way and you literally were shaking so bad at ticked offness that I LITERALLY almost ran you to IHC cause I thought you were in pain!! holy crap!! dad was even like.. dude.. take him.. but I was just in shock that it just turned on so fast!!!! I waited it out. and sure enough. you just couldn't believe you didn't get your way/.. I think you wanted to go outside or something..
we will TOTALLY have to nip that in the butt!!!!
as being a mamas boy and brat will do you no good!!!!!
these last few months have been a transition for me!! in a way I did not see coming!!!
although I feel guilty at times.. that i have had to ask so much of you all!!! I am able to see that really it is the best I could do for you all..
I am trying to be the best me!!! that can only serve you all in the long run:)

OH one more thing..
tads game was so cold yesterday.. ozzy, truly and I were snuggled up. in the chair.. then jonah looked at me and said .. I feel like we are in japan.. everyone gets to be in the stroller but me...
we both looked at each other and laughed!!! I totally gave you a high five as .. good comparison.. then pulled you in right on my knee!!!
so love you!!!! YOU!! YOU have taught me so much about ME!!!! another thing I did not see coming!!!

may I rely heavily on the lord.. to strength me!!!

tad you are the FUNNIEST thing sometimes..


most times when I take a shower I tell you NOOOOOOOOO as then truly gets in and a fight occurs... NO MATTER what threats I make..or begging I do..

but today.. you are up early..
I turn on the shower..
you come bolting out of my bed.. ripping your clothes off to say...
LETS PRETEND I AM NOT HERE!!!!!!!

I laugh and tell you, you are simply the CUTEST THING I KNOW...
cause you are:)