ME

today I went to power of moms its a thing started by the eyre girls..

they talked about all sorts of neat things.. ways to just be a better more intentional mom..

I sat in ALOT of simple yet VERY deep gradtitude!! of being a mother.. NOT just any mother.. but YOUR MOTHER!!!

I simply could not adore you more.. well acutally I could.. ( I could love myself more.. so I could even LOVE you more.. ) you see I have been on a path.. I didnt so much see coming.. but I have been seeking my truth.. totally willing to go to any length to find it.. then be it!!

I have done EFT.. for many, many months.. I would spend a precious 2 hours a week to focus on my beliefs!!
I listen to byron katie.. then even wisked away for a weekend to hear her.. I have nutured your dad and I's relationship.. left you all for a week to be in japan with him!!.. which I feel you should all know.. I literally married the love of my life.. I PRAY for the same for you all.. to truly marry your best friend, some one you simply could not live, better yet THRIVE!! with out!!

i went away for 9 days with my mom, mother, jourdan becky, britt and nat.. while dad and spencer.. smoothly, lovingly and surprisly AWESOMELY!! to themselves:) took care of you all..

you see for many many years.. I SO just gave you my all.. I found ways to nuture myself.. some ways of the world.. but as those ways became simply not enough!!! brought deep pain...I needed something solid to stand on.. for us all..

so I really went after it.. pain, pain and oh yeah pain..

I am so coming up out of it.. I feel him.. I KNOW HIM better.. I can surely look back grateful that he loved me enough.. that he trusted me enough to be strong!! and NEVER GIVE UP!!

I will always give you my best.. the best I know how to be.. I am constatnly very aware of my weakness.. learning what it means to surrender, to give it to the lord.. PROCESS!! again.. will be my best that I know how to be at that moment!!

I look back on the years of awesome ignorance.. I really thougth I could protect you all from pain.. I was so very blessed to have planned for you all.. when I was ready for another baby.. its as if I put in an order!!
" I will have another.. " even ozzy.. I am amazed at the power of mind.. I literally rubbed my belly.. and with full intention.. of having a mini allen.. there you were!! just that!!..
so I went along in life.. of an attitude THIS is how IT IS DONE CORRECTLY!!
as I protected you all.. I PROTECTED.. HORDIED the early months of your lives.. even didnt tell ANYONE I had ozzy.. as I learned with truly.. even when you say clearly.. "I want to be left ALONE!!" people still SHOWED UP!!
so I so snaked them with ozzy.. I came home from the hosptial before I let it out that he had been born!! no one was going to take away OUR TIME!!!!

those first 6.5 years were awesome.. of course there were times I lost it.. but I VIDILY remember focusing on you ALL!!
I NEVER OVER scheduled myself.. I really lived in your moments.. OUR moments.. KNOWING it would not last forever..
I found so much joy and fully took pride in feeding, dressing and having outings with you all!!
being prepared for any snack, drink or restroom need that might occur:)
although dad traveled, i found gradtitude in a husband that was so willing to work hard.. make a living doing what he felt was best for us all.. you see that was an US decsision.. no way allen could have been as awesome or successful with out US being awesome and good back home..
allen LOVES you VERY MUCH!! he has a drive to be successful because he wants EVERYTHING FOR US!!
he wants to be a good son, husband and dad!!! I want you children to feel how truly blessed you are one day.. however that is yours to find!!

when I heard the eyres girls talking.. I felt good.. as I didnt miss a beat.. I didnt miss a thing.. not much regret, reguarding the priviallge it is to be a mom.. again YOUR mom!!.. as I really played with you at the park.. would walk with you.. do chores with you.. there was not much I wanted to do with out you...
as I FULLY WANTED YOU all.. I was prideful in thinking.. " dude.. only HAVE what you can handle.. THEN DO IT!!

but my path back to Heavenly Father was perfectly planned specially tailored for ME:)
I simply can not proctect you from pain.. I actually have come to love my own.. as it has humbled me.. surely made me more compassionate.
My new gift and goal for you all, is to be able to handle the trials and pain in healthy apporiate way.. there is nothing I can say.. no book I can read to you.. tell you. you should this.. or should that..
nope that simply will not work
I can only truly be it!! love myself.. accept it all.. knowing its all from our father in heaven.. and he will surely never leave us!!

I gratefully thank each one of you for being my teachers!! I so thought it was my duty to teach you all LIFE!!
that has not been the case.. you perfect little teachers!!!

jonah.. you teach me to breathe.. be mindful of others.. their feelings.. and to be kind to myself in my thoughts!!
tad.. you constatnly remind me that everything matters.. say what you mean and MEAN what you say!!
when I am in a hurry and I try to move you aside.. you have MANY times asked me..
"mom dont push me.. just ask me nicely to move..
you have taught me forgiviness!! and HOW to love myself.. how just being IS ENOUGH!!!

truly oh my little sugar!!! sweetnees in all of life!!! you dance for me over and over again.. SURELY knowing I want to see it again.. you love LIFE in a very big way.. you find the most tinyness thing in a person and make it into the big, beautiful gift it is.. letting that person KNOW " oh how pretty or beatiful they are..
you LOVE LOVE LOVE.. even tonight when spencer was leaving to a dance.. you wished him a warm goodbye.. then came inside it wasnt enough you told him over and over again how much you loved him.. you teared up.. as you wanted to kiss him and hug him..
I hurried you and told you to catch him..
you did just that..
how do you think that made the spencer feel:)
its your gift!! its who you are!!

ozzy.. MY OZZY.. we just started out SO IN LOVE!!! as you came ready to play!!! you werent messing around!!! at 3 months you were in japan.. living all snuggled in my chest!!
I am so trying not to live in fear I will reuin you!!
you are STRONG WILLED!!! I remember just month ago.. I didnt quite catch what happened you were right under my feet.. I think a child took something or you saw something you wanted.. but you lost it hard and fast.. so much so that you were shaking.. I ALMOST LITERALLY ran you to IHC as it came fast and SO STRONG!!!!

dude.. take it down a notch!!!
i have really told the boys with truly.. dude.. when truly screams DO NOT GIVE HER WANT SHE WANTS!!!!!!!!!!!

with you.. they all hug and snuggle you when they have had a bad day.. I mean who doesnt want to snuggle in the nap of your neck when you feel low??? its just so soothing!!!

but I will do you right!!! cause I LOVE you that much!!!

I pray that I will be guided.. and not only guided but that I will be able to hear him clearly!!!